Thanks for buying tickets last week to all of you who did.
In case you missed that post here is the link to my Stand Up show Recording taking place in Manchester on May 5th.
I keep seeing discussion concerning Scotland’s new Hate Crime legislation which comes into force on 1st April (no joke!) and has been reported as having guidance to target comedians and actors specifically- but also some reporting seems to be saying it isn’t targeting comedians and actors. I don’t know what to think!
One would imagine freedom of expression may be considered a useful selling point to the country with the biggest Arts Festival on earth, not least when that festival is now estimated to bring in over £400million pounds of revenue, but sadly I suspect in both Scottish Politics and to a certain extent at the Edinburgh Festivals, freedom of expression is less and less welcome.
I will (mostly) keep this light, but a spicy take of mine- I don’t think society should be policing the feelings of the general public. I think there should be: Crime and: Non Crime.
Not ‘Hate Crime’ or ‘Non Crime Hate Incidents’ whereby something is judged to be a crime or not based on how the perpetrator (I know all the lingo from Netflix and podcasts mate) feels at the time.
Policing feelings is fairly new- but it seems like we have done it for years because of Happy Slapping and Joy Riding, but those crimes were really Assault and Vehicle theft respectively and the emotions weren’t actually what was being penalised. I doubt any youth ever got off a Joy Riding charge by saying,
“Yeah I took the car but I never felt any actual joy, I was well bored tbh”
“Well the charge is joy riding so if he rode sans joy, he must go free!”
Surely just being full of simmering hate shouldn’t be illegal? Certainly not in Scotland where it seems an accurate description of a decent chunk of the population (jk jk, no hate!).
Some people on comedy forums hate ME, and I argue they should be allowed to, but acting on it criminally should be the crime.
Here’s various things I hate that I have no expectation of ever acting on:
Pop-Up Shops. I don’t have a reason, I don’t know why, I just hate them.
Forced bonhomie. EG: stag do’s, football based singalongs, basic “joining in”, social trends such as Ice Bucket challenges etc. Hate all of it.
Shoes worn in the same outfit as a hoody. (I find it gross, but not punishable in any way- imagine if I was all Jihad about it, I would be slaying dorky Dads in gastropubs every weekend!)
Broadcasters who don’t pronounce “th” but say “f” . I listen to radio X and one presenter does it on the phone number which then contains several “frees”. I quietly rage. Then they play the Stone Roses and I get over it.
Low information people with strong unshakeable opinions. Urgh. Hate those pricks. (This causes me some tension in show-business.)
HIGH DRAMA PEOPLE! I can’t be arsed. (Obviously, this causes some tension in show-business.)
Pret-A-Manger staff wearing badges saying “Be Kind”. Fuck off, just sell me a sandwich and a coffee and don’t try to intervene on my levels of empathy and sympathy- the absolute hubris…
People who use the word hubris. Yes I hate myself! Is that going to be a crime? A Self-Hate-Crime? That could really end the Fringe...
People who park their car with the windscreen wipers half across the window. I HATE them, but haven’t done anything about it and never would, should I go to jail?
The term “Islamophobia”. Nobody has ever explained to me what criticism of Islam isn’t Islamophobia, nor has anyone explained to me what IS Islamophobia that isn’t covered by the words Racism or Anti-Muslim bigotry, both of which are terms I understand and behaviours I condemn.
People who make noise whilst eating. Particularly on silent foods eg yoghurt. I will forgive an “mmm” if it is an especially nice yoghurt, but the slack-jawed mouth-flapping tongue-slapping “thack thack gasp thack” I hate. (Apparently I have a thing called misophonia which I am hoping will self-correct through my pairing it with some good old fashioned deafness.)
Umbrellas. Hate them. They gouge tall people at eye level, and with a decent coat and hat they are just not necessary. We humans cope well with getting wet. “Did you hear about Susan who forgot her brolly on the way to work yesterday, got rained on, and she dissolved! I will miss her” Never happens. (Umbrellas are however a nice extra in the Rolls Royce Phantom and the Skoda Superb in Elegance spec, not sure jail time would be entirely fair for my quite nuanced hate here.)
Skiing. I thought it glamorised and expensive slipping. Used to make jokes about it. I was also really mean about people who like skiing. Would those be allowed now?
Thanks for reading- to cleanse the palate after all this Hate, lets have some Joy. Is there a greater joy than a song you love being played on your car radio? I heard Underworld Born Slippy played on Radio 2 recently and I felt genuinely euphoric. It was worth learning to drive purely for that moment.
Isn't it funny when a song comes on the radio you love so you pump it up and buzz off it. Yet if you'd selected it via Spotify also through the car it just wouldn't have that same feeling? Maybe it's just me. It's not like it's a crime or anything.
I know you didn't ask but my absolute hate is fancy dress. The absolute hilarity of the fact someone looks nothing like but attemped to look like Freddie Mercury wears off after 20 seconds.
For my 30th (a decade a ago) we had an all dayer in Manchester. All my mates secretly turned up in fancy dress leaving me the only one "plain clothed". They thought it was hilarious that I was the only one not in fancy dress and I'd feel like a tit. The only way I felt a tit was the fact that I had mates who loved fancy dress and at 30 it was probably too late to ditch them.